Dylan: On the Flight to Love
As Written
As Edited
He was beginning to think maybe Willow gave him a fake number. He could have smacked himself for his foolishness. He’d come on too strong.
He was beginning to think that Willow had given him a fake number. He could have smacked himself for his stupidity. He’d come on too strong.
Willow hated catering. She was supposed to move around a room with a tray of overpriced snacks and pretend not to listen in on people’s conversations. Sometimes, when she overheard particularly dumb conversations, she found it hard to keep a neutral face.
Willow hated catering. She was supposed to move around a room with a tray of overpriced snacks and pretend not to listen in on people’s conversations. Sometimes, when she overheard a particularly stupid or boring one, she found it hard to keep a neutral face.
Reflections
The first As Written example needed a grammar correction in the first sentence and a better word than ‘foolishness’ in the second. I’m not even sure what kind of behavior is normally described as foolish these days, but if we think we’ve come on too strong–we usually pass up foolish on the way to something stronger to describe ourselves.
The second example was fine until the last sentence. Editors try to avoid repetition (‘conversations’), and the word ‘dumb’ is more common among children than adults.