Bruce: On the Flight to Love
As Written
As Edited
Dylan ushered his mother out of the gala hall as he was explaining how nice the man punching his friend usually was.
Dylan quickly ushered his mother out of the gala hall while explaining that the man punching his friend was usually a really nice guy.
He flopped on top of his sheets, exhausted, and managed to look at his phone. It was six o’clock. In two hours he had to be teaching a class at the flight school.
He flopped on top of his bed, exhausted, and took a look at his phone. It was six o’clock. His class at the flight school started in two hours. His students might get away with being a little bit late, but the instructor couldn’t.
“Oh, okay,” Samantha said dejectedly. “Well, have a nice day!”
“Oh, okay,” Samantha said with little enthusiasm. “Well, have a nice day!”
Reflections
The first As Written sentence is awkwardly phrased and just needed to be smoothed out. I added the adverb ‘quickly’ because, in this scene, everyone in the hall is rushing out, and I felt that this sentence needed to match that urgency.
The second As Written example has had a heavier edit. The first sentence was polished with some word changes that read better. I thought that the last sentence of the original could be a bit more dramatic if divided. These sentences are fairly early in this short romance, and the reader doesn’t yet know that the main character is a pilot and a flight instructor. I thought that that fact could be introduced with a little more drama.
I had a big problem with the adverb ‘dejectedly’ in the third example. This character has just been told by her very good looking neighbor that he has a new love interest in his life. No woman with any pride would allow herself to appear dejected upon hearing this.